A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to
get married.
His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was,
and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, 'I'm sorry to say this son
but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your
mother.'

The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up
frustrated cause the response was still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother. 'Mama I want to get married but all
the girls that I love,
dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.'

His mother smiling said to him, 'Don't worry my son,
you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son !!'

Students secures lower grades in the externals, after looking at the mark sheet he asks professor.

Student : "Can you answer any question ? " .

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman,
which is legal, but not logical.

Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal.

The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A",
although he really should have failed,
is neither legal, nor logical."

There was a Sardarji who was down on his luck.In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." Sardarji then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. tomorrow morning, put Rs.2,00,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the mango tree on the north side of the city playground".
Signed: "A Sardarji".

Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Sardarji checked,
and sure enough a paper bag was kept beneath the mango tree. The boy was sitting next to the bag. Sardarji opened up the bag and found the
Rs.2,00,000 in cash with a note saying: "How can a sardarji do this to a fellow Sardarji? Take the money, and please leave my son."
Signed:"Another- Sardarji"

**********************************************************************************************

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.


As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her
"Honey, would you give me a kiss ?"


Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"


" Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
He asked grinning at her.


" No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"


"Oh come on!


There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".


" No way, it's just too risky!"


"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".


" No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".


"Oh yes you can. Please?"


" No, no. I just can't" " I'm begging you ... "


Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and


The girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled,
And in a sleepy voice she said,


" Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need
Be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....


TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL..........
**********************************************************************************************

Santa and Banta are two friends and Santa Singh has a very good job.

Banta Singh is jobless and one day asks Santa to help him get some good Job.

Santa singh says, "OK, next time we will apply together." and they do.

On interview day, Santa singh says, "First I will go inside and answer all questions except the last one, and after coming out, I will give you all the answers and questions. Then you go in and answer everything and You will get the Job."

So, Santa goes in.
EMPLOYER: When did we get independence?

SANTA: Efforts started in 1857, but we got freedom in 1947.

EMPLOYER: Good. Who is our PM?

SANTA: It changes daily and these days its Atal Bihari Vajpayee.

EMPLOYER: OK. What's India's population?

SANTA: (He was not to reply the last one so he says) Good Question, Research is going on, and when I know, I will tell
you, Sir.

Now he comes out and tells the questions and answers to Banta Singh.

Banta Singh (True SARDAR that he is) remembers all answers and forgets the questions. He goes in now.

EMPLOYER: When were you born?

BANTA: Efforts started in 1857, but got freedom in 1947.

EMPLOYER: What? Who is your father?

BANTA: It changes daily and these days its Atal Bihari Vajpayee.

EMPLOYER (Now quite upset): Are you mad Mr. Banta?

BANTA: Good Question, Research is going on, and when I know, I will tell you Sir.

**********************************************************************************************

Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with.
A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.

A month later he was back at the same dealer for another hundred chickens because the second lot had also died and then Santa realised "I think I know where I'm going wrong," said Santa,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."
**********************************************************************************************

We always face situations where boss says to complete the work in no time.... takes extra resources if you want..... Maybe this reply can help in those situations....

It was a hot meeting at the office conference hall. All the people from the department had been called. The VP was looking much tensed.

The mood was so bad. My friend asked me - "Hey, what is this meeting all about? I told - May be they will decide on when to have the next meeting.

People around smiled at each other. Then the VP started talking. It was about the recent attrition rate that was so high.

Around 10 people had put in their papers. All experienced guys. It was quarter end and so work was huge.

If we do not complete the work on time, we need to be paying heavy penalty said the VP.

The VP turned to the manager and told "Hey - take how much ever resources you want. Recruit or take them from other departments. But complete the work in another 25 days. Take people and complete it man.

To this the manager replied sweetly, "Sir! Give me one wife and nine months and I shall show you results. Don't give me nine wives and one month. I cannot do anything." Everyone looked at him blank. The VP was not prepared for this answer.

We looked at the manager and thought "What an Awesome Reply man!"

Two sardarjis were friends. They used to go together in office by bus.

One day one of them was waiting for the other at the bus stop. Suddenly the
other one came on a BIKE.

First one asked "waa! Prajee!! Kammal ho gaya. Kiska bike Leke aayya?
Second one told " Arre ! Lottery Lag Gayi.
First one said " Mujhe batao yaar, phir mein bhi loonga " He started telling....
"Arre yesterday late night I was coming from a friend's home.

It was so late that I couldn't catch any bus, auto. After some time one BIKE was
coming.

So I asked for lift. That person asked me "where do u want to go?"

I told, "wherever u want." by that time I recognised that THE BIKE WALA was a
girl not boy.

She drove fast and stopped at an ultra SUNSAN JAGAHA. She put off her helmet
first. And then clothes lastly. She was totally n*ked..

Then she told " Le! tujhe jo mangta hai woh le le"

I took the BIKE and ran away.

First Sardarji said "Arre! Accha Kiya Yaar.. ! nahi to ladkiyon ke kapde apne
kis kaamke?"

*********************************************************************************************************

A Pepsi salesman returns disappointed from his
Middle East assignment.

His friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the
Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the
Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a
good sales pitch there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic.
So, I planned to convey the message through 3
posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert
sand... totally exhausted and panting.

Second, the man is drinking Pepsi and

Third, the man is now totally refreshed. These
posters were pasted all over the place."

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak
Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from
right to left...!"

The Best Excuse.................... For Having An Affair
The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a beautiful young woman.

"You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!"

The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."

"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating creep."

"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car. I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain more weight. When I served them to her, the poor young thing, practically inhaled them. Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away.

Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they're too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you dont wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.

After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks, she asked me, "Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"
**************************************

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice : "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.

The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The young man responds loudly with, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH !"
****************************************
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."


"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."


The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"


"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.
***************************
It was professor smith's first day at st. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.

To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".

He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"

Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".

Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.

This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.

Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".

The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high !!!!!!!(10 times..........huh......MY GOD!!)

*****************************
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of
golf.....

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot
right through the Window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now
we'll have to go Up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is Going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on
the door. A warm Voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was All over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side Near the broken
Window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the
people that broke my Window?"

"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the
husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank
you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've
Released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
give you each one Wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a
moment and blurted Out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the
least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, What do you want?" the
Genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with
servants in every country In the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes
will always be safe From fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your
wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and
haven't been with a Woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have fun with your Wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey,
you know we both Now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You
know, you're right.Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about You, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd
do the same for You!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they
spent the rest of The afternoon enjoying.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of
non-stop fun, the Genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old Are you and your Husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both
of you still Believe in genies?"

****************************
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and it won again.


The local paper read:

PASTOR'S
A*s OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day, the local paper headline
read
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S A*s.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.


The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the next day:


NUN HAS BEST A*s IN TOWN.


The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS A*s FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.



The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER A*s IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.


The moral of the story is . . .

Being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.
**************************************************

Teacher: Explain responsibility and create a sentence?

None of the students could explain it well and teacher knowing the adult humor of little Johnny wasn't giving her the chance. However when all were done she had to ask Johnny to answer.

Johnny: Madam ur blouse has 4 buttons, if 3 buttons break down the entire responsibility will on the 4th one !!
**************************************************
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes
Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."

************************************
Banta, "All of the thrill is gone from my marriage."

Santa, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"

Banta, "But what if my wife finds out?"

Santa, "Heck, this is a new age we live in. Go ahead and just tell her about it."

Banta goes home to his wife and says, "Preeto, I think an affair will help bring us closer together."

Preeto, "Forget it, I've already tried that. It didn't work."

******************************************
Furniture Dealer

Banta, a furniture dealer from Ludhiana, decided to Expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Chennai to see what he could find.

After arriving in Chennai he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well Back home in Ludhiana.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bar and have a beer. As he sat enjoying his beer, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat.

Before long, a very beautiful young woman came to his table, asked him something in Tamil (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the Chair. He invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in Hindi, but she did not knew Hindi so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, Banta took a napkin and drew a picture of a beer glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of beer for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bar and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was Packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Banta has no idea how she figured out he was in the Furniture business.
*******************************


A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it.

The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden.

The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt.

The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.

After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

****************************************
A newly wedded sardar asks his mom' How should
i do it?'
MOM says :'Put ur hardest thing where she
pisses.'
sardar puts his head in the toilet.

*********************************