Children
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Then...
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Marraige
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry

6 Or 8
A blonde walks into a pizza shop and orders a pizza, the pizza guy says "do you want it cut into 6 or 8?" the blonde replys "6 please im not that hungry!"

Money Reducing Agent
WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

Prabability
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action

Women and Magnet
What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!


Thinnest Book
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women


Calf
What do you call a calf after it's six months old?
Half

One Hundred Feet
What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede


What is it?
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.

Mathematics
Maths teacher asked RAJA : If u have 12 chocalate and u give 5 to PRIYA, 3 to PINKY and 4 to SAPNA then wat will u get ? RAJA replied :Sir! 3 new girl friends

Gita pe haath
Lawyer to Sardar : Gita pe haath laga kar kaho ke....... Sardar :yeh kya! Sita pe haath lagaya to court me bulaya, ab fir Gita pe haath?


Love Marraige vs Arranged
It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE vs ARRANGED.
It's like asking someone,if suicide is better or being murdered.

Bad Luck
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't

Santa Singh
Raj:Where was the Decleration of Independence signed?
Santa Singh:at the bottom.

After Six
Raj:What comes after six?
Santa singh:The milk man.

By The Time...
By the time u realise what your parents said was right...

U will have a kid who begins to think you are wrong..!!


Free From Darkness
when ur life is in darkness pary 2 God ask him 2 free u from darkness & if after u pray,& u r still in darkness,pls pay ur ELECTRICITY BILL!

When Im Gone
Husband says"When Im gone you'll nevr find another man like me".
Wife replied"What makes you think I'd want another man like you?!!!".

History
History says in the year 1956 Bombay's red light area
caught fire. It took 30 mins to bring fire under
control but 3 hrs to bring firemen under control !

Earthquake
NEWSFLASH - Earthquake in Pakistan...20,000 dead...US sending cash, Australia sending food, Britain sending replacement Pakis

A Few Blind Men
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Husband Wanted
A lady gave an advertisement in the classifieds : "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a 100 letters. They all said da same thing : "U can have mine"

Thief & Lady
Thief : quickly hand over your purse I have a gun
Lady : here take it
Thief : ha! ha! no bullets in my gun.
Lady : ha! ha! no money in my purse



Married the Wrong Man
@ da cocktail party 1 woman said to another "Aren't u wearing ur wedding ring on da wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married da wrong man."


Toilet roll
How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? We don't know. Never happens.

Honey, Im home!
What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love?

Honey, I'm home!

Good morning
Good morning...Have u done two of the most important things when you wake
up today?
1)Pray, so that u may live
2)Take a bath-so that others may live too!

No Brain Detected
This msg. will refresh your brain in 5 seconds.
5....
4....
3....
2....
1....
Error : No Brain Detected !!

Water
I mixed RUM in water and got drunk. I mixed BRANDY in water and got drunk.
I mixed WHISKY in water and got drunk again. Now I have decided never to drink water again !!!

Return Ticket
Can I have a return ticket please. Certainly, where to? Back here, you fool

How to amuse a Blonde
To amuse a Blonde for hours, give her a sheet of paper with 'Please turn over' scribbled on both sides.
- ali

How dangerous?
If a pen is mightier than a sword and a photo more powerful than a thousand words, how dangerous can a fax be ?

Miss Druggy
Little miss druggy sat in her buggy smoking an ounce of weed along cam a spider skinned up beside her and sold her a kilo of speed.

Y MEN R LIKE TOILETS
Y MEN R LIKE TOILETS 1)dey r always out of order 2)dey stink 3)the nice ones r always engaged 4)dey consume large amounts of liquid 5)r constantly full of sh*t!

Jack & Jill (part 2)
Jack & Jill went up the hill 2fetch a pale of water.we dont no wot they did up there but they came back wiv a daughter

Archeologists
How do you piss off an archeologist? Show her a used tampon and ask her wot period it came from!

Mary had a little lamb..
Mary had a little lamb & tied it to a pylon, a 1000 volts shot up its A*s & turned it into nylon
- mary

Woman
A train is bout 2 crash! A frantic virgin strips off & says "can any1 make me feel like a woman b4 i die?". So a man takes off his clothes & says "iron these!

Thumbs
A study has proven that all Lesbians n Homosexuals use their THUMB while
reading a SMS. Now its 2 late dont try 2 change your finger, naughty caught ya!


Touch it gently
Touch it gently,
put your
finger inside,
if hole is big,
put three fingers,
rub it
up & down gently
thats the right way
of washing glass!!!
naughty you;)

Make me feel like a women
She took off his pants gently & whispered: "make me feel like a woman". He smiled & threw the pants at her and said: "GO WASH IT".

SPOON
Hey, I'm very moody. I miss u very much. I can't eat. Where r u? How am i going 2 eat with out u, especially now. Oh where r u -- my "SPOON"!

911
Why can't a blonde dial 911? Because She can't find the eleven!!!

- rabia_s

So why study?
The more you study. The more you know. The more you know. The more you forget. The more you forget. The less you know. So why study?

Fourty Years
Do you think
I can live
for another
fourty years?
Do you drink?
No!
Do you smoke?
No!
Do you visit whores?
No!
Why do you want
to live another
fourty years?

Bigamy
Bigamy

What is the penalty for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law !

Mosquito
Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito to her mother. "yes but be aware, pay attention during the applause."
- mini_js

My husband said..
When do you know a woman is going to say something interesting ? When she starts with "My husband said..."


Maths
How do u teach
a blonde maths?
U subtract
her chlothes
Devide her legs
And square root her.

Autumn
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a n*ked women with
only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on
but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn".

Guess What It Is
A man roasts a DEER & asks son 2 guess wht it is. son cant guess so man says CMON its somthin ur mom calls me. son says O PLS DONT TELL ME WE R EATING AN ASSHOLE!

An Excellent Speech
Wife-tat was an excellent speech. husband - thanks but the audience was full of fools. wife - is that y u addressed ?em as brothers n sisters?

Indian cricket team
Indian cricket team got kidnapped n they r asking for Rs100 cross 2 release the team OR else they'll put kerosene n burn them. pls contribute. i gave 5 ltr of kerosene

On the other side!
A blonde is on 1 side of a lake and yells 2 another blonde across the lake, How do I get 2 the other side? The other blonde yells back, U R on the other side!

Is it going in?
Tell me
is it going in?
yeah
is it hurting?
ooh yeah
ouch its hurtin
ok i wil put it in slowly
stil hurtin
ahh yeh
den lets try d other shoe madam

U Pervert
Whats rough and hairy on the outside and soft and wet in the inside starts with C ends in T and has a U & a N in it?


Answer - a coconut u pervert.

Jack & Jill
Jack & Jill went up da hill 2 have a little fun. But stupid Jill forgot da pill and now they have a son.

The Rain
The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful, why doesn't it rain on you?

Smarter
3 men came acros a female genie who prmsd 2 grant each one a wish. The 1st
man said 'i wish i were 25% smarter. d genie blinkd & the man said 'hey, i
feel smarter alrdy'. the 2nd man said 'i wish i were 50% smarter' the genie blinkd & the man said 'tats wonderful! i thnk i knw thngs that i didnt knw b4' the 3rd man said 'i'd like 2b 100% smarter' genie blinkd & he turned in 2 a woman.

How to impress
How to impress a woman:
compliment her
kiss her
love her
tease her
protect her
listen to her
support her.
How 2 impress a man:
Show up n*ked, bring beer

Beauty or Brains
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Clowns
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?



Bcoz they taste funny!

Stop this sh*t
What did one butt cheek say to the other cheek?


'If we stick together we can stop this sh*t!'

Still Together After sh*t
What did one butt cheek say to the other?


After all the sh*t we've been through, we're still together!

Where's My Roof
Yesterday night
I layed on my bed
Looking at the stars
Then I wondered...
Hey where the hell IS MY ROOF!!

You're nuts
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of plastic wrap.
The psychiatrist says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

Big Spender
A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Plead With Reason
A 10 year old boy shot his parents dead and pleaded with the judge for mercy. I am a poor, pitiful orphan, he said.

Sausage Love
Doc! My family thinks I'm mad bcoz I luv sausage. There's nothing wrong with that. I like sausage 2. Really? You muz come N C my collection, I've got thousands!

Warning!
Children playing outside the car
can cause accident
and
adults playing inside the car
can cause children by accident!

Friends are like hair
Friends are like a head of hair. You might lose some, but with enough $money$ you can buy them back.

On Purpose
Be tactful, never alienate anyone on purpose. Try to make it look like an accident.

The secret of being young
The secret of being young?
Sleep the right number of hours
Go with the right crowd
Eat the right food
And, Tell the WRONG age!

You are Beautiful
I saw you walking on the street.
Your eyes
your lips
your nose
everything look perfect.
I couldn't help sing to myself
'WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!! WOOF !'

Teacher & Pupil
Teacher: all your answers must be oral. child: ok.
teacher: what standard are u in?
child: oral.

My Bra
A good friend is like a good bra
hard to find
very comfortable
supportive
and always close to the heart
HELLO MY GD BRA

Precious Friend like Me
It's so hard 2 lose some1 that is 99% cute, 98%sweet, 95% loving, 90% talented n 100% down 2 earth. That's me! what a waste if u lose me..

Sales
Bride's father hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'

Cat
This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat, keep cat, an cat, idiot cat, busy cat, for cat, 20 cat, seconds cat!. Now read it without the word cat.

Cool Job
I want to suck you... I want to lick you... I wanna move my tongue all over you... I want to feel you in my mouth... that's how u...



Eat an ice cream...

Help the Homeless
I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home.

Built upside down?
If our nose runs and our feet smell, are we built upside down?

Talking Dirty
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

Breath
When you breath, you inspire. When you don't breath, you expire.

Mushrooms
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so that's why they look so much like umbrellas.

Angel in Heaven
When I was a kid, my mom told me that angels live in heaven. Now I know that it is not true. Because if angels live in heaven, WHY AM I HERE?:)

Smokers
Anyone know why people don't get white hair if they smoke? Because smokers die early, so they don?t have the chances to get old.

Hubby & Wife
A wife asks hubby how many woman he had slept with? Husband proudly replies Only You Darling, with others i was awake.

Nice A*s
I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice A*s.

SO SCARY
Something Kept Appearing in my mind! Know what?s that? Your Face... Your Smile... Your Everything... SO SCARY!