If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not sport.

Anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.